TBI Blog

About two months ago I have the unfortunate situation of mediating a case that got on my last nerve.  I could feel the tension when I escorted them into my office.  Now you know it’s going to be bad when you can see jaws tense and fist balled up.  I felt like saying in the words of Michael Buffer, “lets get ready to rumble”!!!!!!!!  Sorry I digress, back to the  seriousness of this post (yea right). As I went through my introduction regarding the actual mediation process I could see they were tuning me out and ready to unleash a fury of expletives and one liners that would have made anyone want to tune in.  However I handled the situation like a surgeon with a scalpel.  I sternly told them “I an not hear to mediate the pass, but only hear to help you put a parenting plan together that is in the best interest of your children”.  You should have seen their faces.  They look like they had just been told they were going to jail.  However that speech only lasted about 5 minutes until they were right back at each others throat.  The sad thing about this case is that in some aspect it could have been an ideal situation for the children.  The parents separated and moved right across the street from one another (granted I would never do that, but then again, I am not in this situation so “never say never”) and the children could freely go back and forth to each other’s house.  There could have potentially been no arguments over where the children would spend Christmas or how much time they would spend with each parent in the summer.   This was ideal being able to  freely walk across the street to the other parents home.   You think these parents saw that? NO!!!!!   These parents were so angry with one another about the divorce and mom was upset that dad  had a new girlfriend living in the house before the divorce was final.    I kept trying and trying to refocus this couple about what the most important issue was and it was their children.  However when your angry and more importantly hurt, you miss what is most important .  I try and help people understand (not always successful) that it will always be impossible to focus on what’s best for your children if you are still harboring negative feelings about the other parent.  Don’t spend time conjuring up ideas about how to get the other parent back or not allow the children to see the other parent (unless there are safety issues), its wasted energy and more importantly a waste of time.  I can only imagine how hard if must be for families to divorce, but imagine how much more difficult it is for a child to watch parents argue and fight over foolishness.  Time heals wounds and going through a bitter or trouble divorce takes time to heal, but whatever you do don’t take your children through the process.  As much as you can minimize what they have to see or hear.  They didn’t ask to be here,  and I doubt children are the ones that say ” I want a divorce”.  Keep foolishness where it belongs out of a custody battle.

Hello TBI Family,

sorry for the delay in posting.  I have alot of interesting stories to share with you .  So settle in and get ready for every range of emotion you can imagine.

I spoke with a father recently who informed me he had been separated from his wife for over a year.  Their relationship was over, however he wanted to stay involved in the lives of his children.  He openly admitted their would be periods of time he would not have contact with his children due to the strained relationship he had with his wife.  Although he had not yet filed  paperwork through the courts for custody and visitation he never thought mother would move without contacting him.

Father became  suspicious when he tried to contact mother on her house phone and the number was disconnected.  He tried calling her on the cell phone and it went straight to voicemail.   He stated he went to the residence where she resided and the property had  been vacated.  To no avail, he received no help from her family and was lost on what to do.    As I do with anyone I speak with, I tell them, ” it will be okay, this is a process and I will assist you as much as I can”.

The first thing I told father he needs to do, is go to court and file paperwork.  What he needs to file is an Order to Show Cause.  Fancy title for saying  ” I need a court date”!!!!. Once that is filed it will give him an opportunity to  speak to a judge.  However before speaking to the judge, you will proably go to mediation first.  At that meeting  with the mediator ( both parties are present together)you can discuss what sort of parenting plan you would like to have.  Do keep in mind, the other party has an opportunity as well to discuss what they would like.   It beehove  parties to think realistically about what would be a good parenting plan for their children.  Remember children did not ask to be put in this situation, however these are unfortunate situations that sometimes occur.    Let me digress for a moment.  If you are unable to serve the parent because she has moved, but you know where the children go to school.   You could have someone indiscreetly (preferrably not in the school but in the parking lot if possible) serve mother.   Now I am not saying this is the way to serve her, there is never an easy way to serve a parent custody and visitation papers, but if you have no idea where she lives, or where she works, the school may be the last resort.  That is a judgment call.  If the children see this, this could be and emotionally difficult moment for all parties.  Back to the issue at hand.  Once you have your mediation hearing, come prepared with a REASONABLE parenting plan.  Don’t come with expectations of gaining custody  and not allowing the other parent to not see the children because you have missed out, that sort of thinking is counterproductive to the best interest of the children.  Instead think about what would be a fair an equitable parenting plan for all parties involved.  Remember parenting plans can be MODIFIED.  What you agree with today, can be changed later. 

I encouraged father to really put some thought into an appropriate plan. Although he has not seen his children now going on almost two months, he must develop a plan based on clear thinking and not off of anger or emotion towards mother.  I know(  becuase they have expressed this)  judges do not know your children as well as you do.  Don’t allow them to make a decision about your childrens best interest.  Always remember, do whats in the best interest of your child.

As I answered the call, it became apparent by listening to the parent that she was not in the business of listening to what I had to say.  All she wanted to do was tell me over and over again, ” I won’t let him see his child.”  I allowed her to vent then interjected, “it’s not about what you want, it’s what’s in the best interest of the child.”  The mother became upset with my statement and felt I was taking the side of the father.  I informed her, it’s not me taking sides, it’s what the courts will do.  Mother felt due to dad’s lack of stability in his own life, and him being  from a foreign country, she felt it was best he not see his child.   I encouraged her to develop a visitation plan that would best be suited for this 3 month old child.  She began to listen and felt it would be best that her and the father worked out an arrangement.  I assisted her in developing  a “temporary parenting plan” which is in the best interest of the child. 

Remember parent’s, it’s not about you.  It’s what’s best for all parties. Regardless of what we may feel about the other parent, the child deserves to spend time with both.

Recently I was involved in trying to mediate a custody and visitation issue between parties.  The comment was made during the session that “we can go there” if we have to.  Having conducted well over a 1,000 mediation sessions I knew what the parties were referring to: DIRTY LAUNDRY.  Both parties were willing to expose all their business about one another to “win” the child( the child is 11 months old).  I was able to separate the parties and talk to them individually.  I explained to the petitioner that although you filed paperwork to establish custody and visitation, does not mean the more “dirt” you put out there will guarantee you primary custody.  Parties were willing to discuss issues of “alleged abuse”  (drug, physical, and verbal)  against one another, inappropriate living conditions,etc. 

I  explained to the petitioner that unless these allegations can be proven (document of past photos of abuse, police reports taken, etc) it would be difficult to prove in court.  Now I would never tell a person they cannot address the issues in court, but having been around judicial officers for quite sometime, unless you have proof ” it didn’t happen”.  As well I told the petitioner the more information you try to gather to discredit the respondent, you best believe they are probably doing the same thing.  Now you have two people speaking about the other and their lack of ability to parent a child.  A good judicial officer could hear this and decide to remove the child from both parents based on the allegations they were making about the other (yes I have seen a judge remove the child from both parents, sad).   I informed  the petitioner what could potentially happened if they “decided to go there” and it became clear that was probably not the best thing to do, seeing how (in their words) neither could substantiate abuse.  I reminded parties  the importance (here come’s that phrase) of doing what’s in the best interest of the child.  Set aside the  anger, hostility, allegations, and anything else that interferes with parenting.  Remember it’s not the child’s fault (especially in this situation, he is only 11 months old), and keep them out of it.  Set aside your differences and put a plan together that is effective in raising a healthy child.

Until next,

Byron

We are currently into the holiday season.  During this time it becomes extremely challenging to provide visitation for the non-custodial parent.  Here’s where an effective parenting plan comes into play.  A quality parenting plan will depend on what the relationship is like between both parties.  If communication is good a flexible  plan can be implemented.  If communication is strained, a more rigid plan will need to be put in place (example, specific dates and times, drop-off and pick-up locations, etc.).    However parties work out the arrangements, make sure it is clear.  Alot of times loose interpretation (even when parties are getting along) can lead to problems which sometimes causes parties to return back to court.  The Christmas holiday season should be an enjoyable time, a time spent with family and friends.   Regardless of what we may feel about the other parent, a child deserves time to be with that family.  As  a mediator I can remember countless stories where law enforcement had to show up to someone’s  house on Christmas.  This not only impacts the relationship between parties but it  embarasses the child. 

Remember put your feelings aside during the holiday season and do what’s in the best interest of the child.

Have a safe and happy holidays,

Byron

I heard this statement several times a day while conducting mediation sessions, “why does my child have to suffer”? The question can be answered so many ways, it was unfortunate to know that a pending dissolution of a relationship was causing hardship on a couple. As a trained mediator, I recognized the pain that both parties were feeling and was determined to soothe concerns by both parties. I stated back to the parties, “your children do not have to suffer”. As they looked at me as if I was crazy; I stayed motionless waiting for either party to respond. As the petitioner (mother) looked befuddled at me, I stated again” your children do not have to suffer.” Finally someone asked me, “how is it they do not have to suffer?” I simply stated, by “working together”.
It was clear to me, this idea of working together was foreign to both parties at this moment. Usually when parties have come to me for a mediation session their is still immense amounts of pain. The last thing parties are wanting to do is “work together”. Informing parties that the ultimate goal of any mediation session is to put together a parenting plan that is in the best interest of the child(ren). When all parties can realize that by working together is more beneficial that fighting one another, parties will not have to ask the question Why do children have to suffer.

Until Next time,

Byron Pettit, M.A.