TBI Blog

Recently I was involved in trying to mediate a custody and visitation issue between parties.  The comment was made during the session that “we can go there” if we have to.  Having conducted well over a 1,000 mediation sessions I knew what the parties were referring to: DIRTY LAUNDRY.  Both parties were willing to expose all their business about one another to “win” the child( the child is 11 months old).  I was able to separate the parties and talk to them individually.  I explained to the petitioner that although you filed paperwork to establish custody and visitation, does not mean the more “dirt” you put out there will guarantee you primary custody.  Parties were willing to discuss issues of “alleged abuse”  (drug, physical, and verbal)  against one another, inappropriate living conditions,etc. 

I  explained to the petitioner that unless these allegations can be proven (document of past photos of abuse, police reports taken, etc) it would be difficult to prove in court.  Now I would never tell a person they cannot address the issues in court, but having been around judicial officers for quite sometime, unless you have proof ” it didn’t happen”.  As well I told the petitioner the more information you try to gather to discredit the respondent, you best believe they are probably doing the same thing.  Now you have two people speaking about the other and their lack of ability to parent a child.  A good judicial officer could hear this and decide to remove the child from both parents based on the allegations they were making about the other (yes I have seen a judge remove the child from both parents, sad).   I informed  the petitioner what could potentially happened if they “decided to go there” and it became clear that was probably not the best thing to do, seeing how (in their words) neither could substantiate abuse.  I reminded parties  the importance (here come’s that phrase) of doing what’s in the best interest of the child.  Set aside the  anger, hostility, allegations, and anything else that interferes with parenting.  Remember it’s not the child’s fault (especially in this situation, he is only 11 months old), and keep them out of it.  Set aside your differences and put a plan together that is effective in raising a healthy child.

Until next,

Byron

We are currently into the holiday season.  During this time it becomes extremely challenging to provide visitation for the non-custodial parent.  Here’s where an effective parenting plan comes into play.  A quality parenting plan will depend on what the relationship is like between both parties.  If communication is good a flexible  plan can be implemented.  If communication is strained, a more rigid plan will need to be put in place (example, specific dates and times, drop-off and pick-up locations, etc.).    However parties work out the arrangements, make sure it is clear.  Alot of times loose interpretation (even when parties are getting along) can lead to problems which sometimes causes parties to return back to court.  The Christmas holiday season should be an enjoyable time, a time spent with family and friends.   Regardless of what we may feel about the other parent, a child deserves time to be with that family.  As  a mediator I can remember countless stories where law enforcement had to show up to someone’s  house on Christmas.  This not only impacts the relationship between parties but it  embarasses the child. 

Remember put your feelings aside during the holiday season and do what’s in the best interest of the child.

Have a safe and happy holidays,

Byron

I heard this statement several times a day while conducting mediation sessions, “why does my child have to suffer”? The question can be answered so many ways, it was unfortunate to know that a pending dissolution of a relationship was causing hardship on a couple. As a trained mediator, I recognized the pain that both parties were feeling and was determined to soothe concerns by both parties. I stated back to the parties, “your children do not have to suffer”. As they looked at me as if I was crazy; I stayed motionless waiting for either party to respond. As the petitioner (mother) looked befuddled at me, I stated again” your children do not have to suffer.” Finally someone asked me, “how is it they do not have to suffer?” I simply stated, by “working together”.
It was clear to me, this idea of working together was foreign to both parties at this moment. Usually when parties have come to me for a mediation session their is still immense amounts of pain. The last thing parties are wanting to do is “work together”. Informing parties that the ultimate goal of any mediation session is to put together a parenting plan that is in the best interest of the child(ren). When all parties can realize that by working together is more beneficial that fighting one another, parties will not have to ask the question Why do children have to suffer.

Until Next time,

Byron Pettit, M.A.